I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
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