God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
