How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
