Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
This baby is an asshole
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
