Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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