i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
