Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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