she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
