you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
