My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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