i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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