Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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