1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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