I think I died a long time ago.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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