The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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