I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I cut my penus on the lid.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
