The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
