I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
