I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
