i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
