Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
