you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
