He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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