I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
