So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
