Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
