Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
