That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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