Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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