I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
