I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You did what with his pubic hair?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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