dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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