The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
