Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
