My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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