me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
