Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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