this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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