This house was built for laser tag.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
