Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
