soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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