Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
