if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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