omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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