at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
