he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
