last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The best revenge is premature balding
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
