So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
