There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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