Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I need water and some morals
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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