just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
