Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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