mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
